Hi, Carolyn: My husband and I agree we want children, but he’s balking, even though we’ve been married 10 years. He patently refuses to acknowledge that at our age (36), waiting any longer could mean the difference between doing it naturally or not at all. I had my doctor speak to him about fertility rates and age, but he insists on holding onto this “we still have time” mind-set. Any suggestions?

— San Francisco

Dear San Francisco: This is impossible to answer blind, and here’s why:

Invariably, when this comes up, I hear from men whose wives got tired of waiting and simply announced they were ditching the birth control — and these men now declare that the resulting children are the best thing that ever happened to them. The premise being that child fear can’t ever be eliminated by conventional means, so you just have to go for it (with full disclosure, of course).

I also hear from people who would view such a unilateral move as a betrayal of everything marriage stands for. The premise being that “go for it” is a great way to produce unwanted children with a resentful parent or two.

The only “right” answer is to know your spouse, and know whether the right words are “I am going to stop using birth control, just letting you know!” or “Your stalling on kids has me feeling bitter, like you married me under false pretenses.”

The precursor to both, however, is the same: If it meant never having children, would you want to stay married? That alone could decide your next move; knowing yourself will be, as always, more illuminating than anything you read into him.

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