Hi, Carolyn: My father had fairly major surgery for the treatment of cancer. I was very anxious about it, and beforehand, I told a few of my friends about his upcoming surgery, and that I was very nervous. The good news is that it seems to have gone well. But not a single one of my friends called me to find out how he was doing. One of them even called me to chat, but never once thought to ask about my father. Some of these friends have a history of being self-absorbed. I can usually tolerate it, but this situation upset me more than usual. Given that I know these friends have a tendency toward self-absorption, am I being too sensitive? Or should I confront them?

- Sensitive After Surgery

Dear Sensitive: Depends. Would you confront them for failing to note the date of your father's surgery on their calendars?

From here, that appears to be what happened - they knew about the surgery because you told them, but it wasn't on their minds when the big day came. I'm trying to feel the outrage, but not having much luck.

You are their friend but it's your father; I don't think you can expect his peril to loom near as large in their minds as it does in yours. Had you mentioned the surgery to that friend, you probably would have gotten the support you feel you were denied.

It was such a simple thing - to offer a "Remember, my dad had that surgery ... ?"-type nudge - that it sounds like you chose not to. Was this a test? Were you looking to bust these friends for not caring enough? That would bring self-absorption into the conversation in a way you didn't intend.

I realize that may be unfair; maybe you do in fact have a legitimate grievance with these friends, and simply chose a poor way to express it. If that's the case, then just say so; don't create the conditions for hurt feelings and then wail when your feelings get hurt.

Share the word at the time you need to

Dear Carolyn: My ex-boyfriend had genital herpes, which unfortunately he passed on to me. I'm responsible and I take medication to reduce viral shedding. I've been dating a guy for a few months and he wants a more physical relationship. But when I told him about the herpes, he lost it and dumped me. He's afraid of catching herpes, and he's angry because I didn't tell him when we first started dating. Maybe he wasted his time, but I'm not particularly happy about my condition, and I would be very uncomfortable telling someone I barely know about it. What, and when, do I tell the next boyfriend? Providing I ever work up the nerve to date again.

- To Tell of Not to Tell?

Dear To Tell: You say the same thing at the same crossroads in your next relationship. You don't need to share sooner, you need to date kinder men.

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